TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully from spot. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, positive, let's have A further location where American men can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: provide Absolutely everyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You already know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Room, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" Trump Tower Damascus questioned twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting notice from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have flip-down service."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Ideas from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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